Condiment Confusion
by poestheblackcat
Summary: Vengeful spirit Jackie Lantern had a penchant for sweets in life. Crack!fic for DamaDeHonor's birthday.


AN: For DamaDeHonor, for her (blank)th birthday. It's a silly crack!fic because she is such a silly dear herself. What a pair we make. ;P

Disclaimer: Not mine. I tried to bribe Kripke but he wouldn't hand Sammy and Dean over. Too bad.

**Condiment Confusion**

The oddest hunt the Winchester brothers had ever been on started out as a simple haunting.

Well, "simple," not so much—there'd been a couple deaths.

Sam and Dean had identified the spirit as a young woman who had died whilst getting her cavities filled. Common procedure, freak allergic reaction to the local anesthesia.

Now she was haunting the dentist's office and had caused a few odd incidences of "heart failure" in unsuspecting dental patients.

The poor (his situation, not his bank account) dentist was now being investigated and the victims' families were suing him for all he was worth.

"Serves that teeth-pulling, hole-drilling bastard right," Dean had been heard to mutter more than once. He had no sympathy for dentists. He'd had a bad childhood experience—but then again who hasn't?

Where was I? Oh yes, the case.

Jackie Lantern (that really was the unfortunate girl's name, poor thing), was a nasty spirit—or so they'd been prepared to find. What they hadn't expected was the eager cry of "Sugar!" when Sam accidentally dropped a salt-filled shotgun pellet that split open to scatter tiny white crystalline grains all over the linoleum.

Startled, Dean opened fire on the flickering figure of the dead girl standing next to his brother. She dissipated, only to reappear in front of Dean, wailing, "Oh sugar, what did I ever do to you? I mean, besides eat you, of course, but you were made to be eaten. You hurt me, sugar!"

The last part was said angrily, in a tone worthy of a vengeful spirit.

The dentist's drills began to whir. A cold wind stirred the still air of the room.

"Shit, Sam," Dean cried over the sound of the machinery. He fired again. "What is up with this dead chick?"

"She thought the salt was sugar," Sam explained, puzzled himself. "I guess she really liked sugar but it gave her cavities. She died in the dentist's chair. So now she's in a love-hate relationship with sugar."

Dean's eyebrows arched up. "Thank you Dr. Phil. Dude. Could you be any more gay?"

The girl appeared, chanting, "Sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar," with increasing volume and intensity. A small hurricane wound around the room, scattering papers and latex gloves every which way. Sam and Dean's guns flew from their grips and clattered against the walls.

The ghost of Jackie glared at the brothers. "Give me sugar!!" she screeched.

"Dean," Sam glanced away from the angry spirit. "Give her a candy bar."

Dean looked perplexed. "What candy?"

Sam's nostrils flared. "The candy I saw you sneaking in your pocket earlier. Give it to her."

Dean shifted uncomfortably.

Sam glared at him. "What?"

"Iateit."

Sam exploded. "You what?!"

All the while, the spirit had been screaming, "Sugar! Sugar!" in an ear-splitting screech.

The brothers felt their breaths leave their lungs and their hearts stutter. They covered their ears to try to protect them and huddled down on the cold floor in pain. Jackie shrieked until they really thought they would be her next victims.

Finally, with a sudden burst of energy, Dean dug into his jacket and pulled out—

"Chocolate!!" Jackie screamed.

The wind stopped.

"You want it?" Dean said tiredly, holding the flat, foil-wrapped bar up. "Here ya go. Now go bug Willie Wonka at the chocolate factory. I bet he's enough of a kook to appreciate your gooey nuttiness." He threw the bar at her.

The spirit caught the candy. As she did so, she flew up to the ceiling with another scream and plummeted down to smash on the floor into a million pieces of white light in an echo of the salt earlier.

The brothers blinked at the spot on the floor, still breathing heavily, their hair disheveled from the wind.

"The hell was that?" Dean asked after a moment.

Sam started laughing breathlessly. "Sugar high and sugar crash."

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AN: I'm insane!!! Insane, insane, insane!! But you love that about me, right? That's why you're here?


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